when the mom has ADHD

The words "imposed structure" make me cringe. My mom had us kids on a pretty strict schedule at different seasons of our life and homeschool journey. At one point, she made us get up at 5 in the morning. We were done with school by ten, which was great, but I hated it. I was so sleepy in the mornings no matter how much rest I got the night before. Even when we didn't practice 5 am wake-ups, we still had our days scheduled in half-hour increments. There are many things that I look back on with fondness and joy -- that is not one of them.

But I do crave predictability. Routine. Rituals. I've always dreamed about being this organized mom who cheerfully tells her children of the days' adventures ahead; I've fantasized about our days just flowing and falling into place exactly as planned. That is attractive to me. I have expectations that I don't think are entirely unrealistic. At least, not for a neurotypical human being. I do like things "a certain way," but my brain is just constantly at odds with me. In my perfect world we would all get up at 7, have a slow, easy morning, I'd drink my coffee, I'd listen to my podcasts. Then we'd start circle time at 9. We'd read our beloved books and poetry and the Bible, we'd sing some hymns and recite our the verses we're memorizing. Then we'd move onto math and reading, and be completely done with school by 12. But even that is too much for me to commit to. I don't know why. I couldn't tell you why. I really despise that I can't do it. It's very frustrating that I will never meet my own personal standards.

I'm not lazy. It took me years to realize that I'm not lazy. I can work hard. I do work hard. Hyperfocus is a wonderful thing when it's used for good and not evil. (Spending four hours researching the proper techniques for chalk-painting a piece of furniture until 3am when I know I have to be up at 7: evil.) I was told growing up that I was lazy, or at least that my actions were. That's something that's told often to children with ADHD.

This is not what I would have gone for, if given a choice. If God had selected two Whitney brains, set them in front of me in the palms of his hands and said, "This one is typical... but this one is jumpy, easily distracted, can't focus, can't stay committed, forgetful, flaky, anxious, constantly moving, severely lacking self-motivation, and gets exhausted doing normal people things because it takes so much energy just to focus... so, which one will it be?" which one do you think I'd choose?

Honestly, at this stage in my life I am completely taking advantage of my free spirit go with the flow whatever happens habits. That means sometimes I don't get out of bed until 9, don't actually do anything productive until 2, and don't even start school until 4. I'm choosing to be okay with it right now instead of beating myself up... really, I have no choice. I could hate myself for it, but that won't do any good. So I remind myself that the things I do get to are making a difference. Anyway, with all the years I've hated myself for it and have fought against myself, it hasn't made a difference and has only added to my self-doubt and lack of confidence... so I might as well own it.

When I think of a successful homeschooling day, this is it: As long as I read a couple of good books aloud and did a lesson of math with each child, or even just a math game, I'd consider that a good day. A bonus would be spending some one-on-one time playing with them, which I really suck at, but I think it's so important. They just love it, their little faces light up. That, to me, makes a good day period. School day or no. I will write this in my mental list of "things I need to remind myself of daily" that I always forget to refer to. Another good, but forgotten life-changing, simple tip.

Here's something I've learned in the last few months, because of a group of women - homeschool moms - who have ADHD, and whose every day lives look so much like my own that they have made me feel less alone. Here it is: don't go to neurotypical people with the ailments of your mental health problems looking for commiseration or empathy. It's not their fault. But they won't understand. They will say things like, "Just make yourself do it." They will tell the tales of how they've overcome certain habits and obstacles. Unless they happen to have a love for psychology and are pretty well-read on your condition, or they are just deeply empathetic people, they won't be able to view you as anything but neurotypical. Because on the outside, you look normal. You won't find what you're looking for when you confide in a neurotypical person, and you will probably leave the conversation feeling more alone, more misunderstood, and more indept. Educate them, but find your tribe. Find people who understand. Find someone whose daily life looks a lot like yours. You're not alone.